Mood of the Moment:

"I am so tired, but I can't sleep.
I am standing on the edge of something much too deep.
It's funny how we feel so much, but we cannot say a word.
We are screaming inside, oh, we just can't be heard..."

- Lyrics from Sarah McLauglan's "I will remember you"

I have never been so angry in a long time. As those people who knew me well, that's because I tend to see the lighter side of things and I don't get angry easily.

Well, I go home about once a week. Today, my mom, sis and I went out to spend some time together. When we got out of the subway station, my mom handed me $.60 to purchase a newspaper from the vending machine while she and my sis went to Dunkin Donuts. On my way to meet up with them, I passed by this woman with a coffee cup who asked, "Can you give some money? I'm homeless"

I think I looked shock for a moment. She most definitely dressed very nicely for a "homeless" person. I dug into my pockets and realized that I don't have any change with me. The only change I had was the $.60 cent that my mom gave me and it was already spent on the paper. Unlike other people who simply walked by and ignored her, I answered a quick "sorry" and continued walking. As I walked away, she mumbled loudly about my "sorry" - she was mocking my words and it was obvious that she was doing it intentionally. I had already walked too far away to turn back and say something to her, but I was incredibly steamed.

How dare she? Just because she's homeless doesn't mean she "deserved" to get anything from others. What kind of attitude is that?

I am not an apathetic person. I care about the world. I care about people. You know, I am sorry that she's homeless. I know that being homeless is an awful state to be in (I've never been homeless, but I know perfectly how that felt. It's a long story; I might go into it someday). I seriously doubt she is homeless, as she is dressed far too nicely. I think she makes some money from the goodwill of people, like the well-known story of a supposedly "homeless" person but who actually has a house elsewhere.

This lady pushed me a little too far. Who do I look like? I worked a job that pays slightly above minimum wage so that I could pay off college and I already spend very, very conservatively. Why should I give my money to her with this awful attitude? Why doesn't she get a job? She has hands. She has feet. And she looked perfectly healthy to me.

Don't get me wrong. As an overly idealistic person, I want to help people. I've done volunteer work since high school and I do them happily and willingly. I would rather donate to organizations like Project Bread so that those hungry and homeless people could have food to eat, to have the basic nutritions so that they could be healthy and work. Like everyone else.

If they still can't make ends meet, then at the very least, they have tried. This lady, on the other hand, acted like she was entitled to what other people have. If she has some illness and cannot work, then I might understand. Nonetheless, her rude attitude cannot be justified. I treat everyone respectfully, and I expected to be treated as such in return. I just can't believe some people can be this rude.

Maybe I am just too idealistic and naive for my own good...

I feel so unsettled, so restless all day.

And it's a strange and awful feeling to want to laugh and cry at the same time.

Relationships.

I think relationships tend to be one of the most written (and talked about) subject. I guessed I am not so much surprised since we're all in relationships. And no, I am not just referring to the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, but relationship with our family and friends as well.

For those people who are lovestruck, I've heard the lines "I can't live without my (fill-in-name)". For others who are single, I've heard the "I won't be complete without (fill-in-name)". And you know what? Both of them really bothered me. Hello? HELLO? H - E - L - L -O!! I know I can't really explain myself without sounding like a completely insensitive person, but here goes: aren't those statements ridiculously exaggerated?

I find the latter statement to be extremely disturbing. I mean, don't get me wrong. Love relationships can be a beautiful thing. But, some people think that having that special someone is so important to the point that being in a relationship define who they are. It's that beyond the point that I find faults with. Shouldn't people figure out who they are first? Shouldn't they be comfortable enough with themselves so that they won't feel threatened whether they're or not in a relationship? Or so that they won't be defined by whether they have a significant other or not? (Pressures of society?)

Maybe I am not getting something. If so, do enlighten me. Really.

* * *

We have light snow for the past two days here, and it's such a pretty sight. Soft, beautiful snow drifting gently down the sky. It reminded me of the Christmas season all over again. It also reminded of a poem that I once read. It's a simple poem, but I liked it all the same.

"Each flake of snow
so separate
so distinct

yet in the morning
the hillside is a
solid field of white"
- Laura Gilpin

* * *

p.s. Links are updated on the sidebar.

I don't want to live up to people's expectations, nor I am not trying to. I just want to live up to my expectations, but even that can be difficult sometimes. There are always outside factors. It's hard. It's just hard.

Spring Break has officially begun. To the average observer, I probably looked like I have a lot of free time on my hands - especially since I am always listening to music. But what they don't know is that I have been doing homework with the music on since I was a kid. I don't think it affected my concentration level, with a few exceptions.

This Spring Break, I am just going to get some rest. With midterms and huge assignments over the last two weeks, I am tired. And I am like a walking zombie. What I need is some relaxation time, and that's what I am giving myself. When I come back from Spring Break, I should much happier since one of my most dreaded class has ended. I should have more time to focus on the classes I really enjoy, like poetry! :)

I will be travelling to Virginia in early April and I am thrilled about it! I've never been to Virginia before. More on that later.

Finally, this blog has turned into a number of random updates, and it's not exactly what I wanted. I will have to think about what I want to do with it and see what changes need to be made. But more on that later too.

It's been a while since I updated this thing, but I needed some time off to myself.

Things have been hectic. With midterms coming up and another programming assignment due soon, I doubt I will get much sleep at all. But it will be all right, because Spring Break is just around the corner. I have been so busy that I haven't really had time to think about what to do for Spring Break. I think I'll just relax a bit and take my first real break. Maybe I'll go catch a movie or two. Hmmmm, are there even any good movies out there lately? (I know. I know. I am so out of it) :)

I just came back from my last skating lesson today. I won't go into details this time because I am so addicted to ice-skating that I might need to call an ice-skating addiction annoymous hotline. Hehe, I got a silly little achievement certificate too! I exchanged numbers with someone I met there and we might go practice together sometime (she does hockey, so I might have to learn how to do hockey stops - I have a tendency to fall whenever I try that).

I said goodbye to my first instructor and gave her a huge hug. She taught me all the basic moves and she made it so much fun. She's also a very nice person. I also thanked my current instructor, who taught us all these awesome techniques. He's starting to teach me how to do spins (haha, my progress in that is pitiful, but that's beside the point). He is so amazing on the ice. He's only a year older than me (I think he's 21), but his moves are powerful. I love watching him skate. Ahem, I think I'll leave it at that or else I won't stop yapping about him and his skating abilities. (I am addicted, remember?) I might go practice some more during Spring Break. :)

I found a solution out of my dilemma, and I was only able to get out of it through the thoughtfulness of a professor and the Chair of the English Department. I was so worried about it (miserable, actually), but it turned out okay since they so kindly approved of my somewhat unusual situation. So, one more week. And speaking of English, I am thoroughly enjoying my poetry class. I have written poems before, but now, I have three poems that I actually liked. Two of them will be published in my school's literary magazine. Yay! I can't wait!

I am also bumping into more of my friends around campus lately, and it's really nice to catch up on things.

But, more on that later. Now, I need to tackle my programming assignment (I want to get some sleep this week). If I could just make it through this week, everything will be okay. Well, maybe not everything (stop being so picky!), but you know what I mean. I'll do my best. Wish me luck! :)